unapologetic fangirl

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To Junhui, Who Shines Like the Moon

Happy happy birthday, my love ❤︎

Dear Jun,

This birthday hashtag suits you so well, doesn’t it?  I’m sorry if I haven’t prepared enough for your birthday, but it doesn’t mean that I love you any less.  In fact, I hope you know that you are my favorite human and that I love you the most 🙂 Heee.  Even my boyfriend knows this.  I remember telling him that I will not replace him for anyone (even for Sungjae!!!) but when it comes to you, it will be  tough competition. Ha!

I adore you so much that I couldn’t even begin to express how I really feel about you.  And not in a romantic, obsessive kind but just… pure love and admiration.  Whenever I see you, I feel so inspired, so blessed, and so content with whatever I have.

It’s no secret that I fell for you the moment I laid my eyes on you and your crazy beautiful hair and face 😛 I wasn’t supposed to fall for anyone ever, I think I already made myself clear three years ago.  I will never stan anyone but Sungjae and BTOB.  But you happened.  The rest of SEVENTEEN happened.  I was mesmerized and I just couldn’t leave.

It’s funny though because I thought, just like Sungjae, it will become like Junhui and the others but fortunately that’s not the case.  It’s funny how I fell for all 13 boys at once.  But knowing me, I’ve never dropped any of my biases so I’m confident that you will be my first and last Seventeen bias.  Or KPOP bias, even. Oh my gosh it still feels weird.

Have I ever told you how much I love your laugh?  And that you have my favorite face in the entire world?  I don’t think I will ever get tired of looking at you.  Any hairstyle, any makeup, anything they put on you, you’re still the most beautiful I’ve ever seen.

Seeing you in person has been the most surreal thing.  When I went to Diamond Edge last October 2017 after being a Carat for just about a month (!!!!), I lost it when you opened the show.  All those weeks of watching just Seventeen videos and listening to Seventeen songs non-stop but then finally seeing everyone a meter away from where I was standing? C R A Z Y.   You look so amazing in pictures but seeing you in the flesh was just a whole different experience.  Are you even real?

My friends used to tease me because I tend to find Chinese guys the most attractive among Korean, Chinese, and Japanese men so when I saw you, I thought, ha! Finally a Korean man I am actually attracted to.  But it turns out, you’re Chinese! LOL.  Guess I really do have a taste.

I always say that I get emotional when it comes to Seventeen.   I haven’t seen a lot of Seventeen pre-debut videos because I’m afraid my poor heart can’t take it.  But I’ve seen a few and that has cemented my love for you– that you’re not just a visual, that I love you not just because of your face.  I could probably list a hundred reasons why I will always choose you out of all the boys I stanned.

You must have felt so lonely especially before your debut.  You couldn’t speak the language, you probably missed home and your family a lot, But you worked so hard to achieve your dreams and it finally happened.

It wasn’t easy.  You became a celebrity at a very young age so you are used to the cameras and the fans.  But once you became a Seventeen member, it isn’t just about you anymore.  All the other twelve are as talented and are stars in their own right.  Having the advantage of debuting as an actor first didn’t change who you are– you stayed humble and kind all these years.  Sometimes it pains me whenever I read comments like you deserved better treatment, that you needed more lines in songs, etc.  But I never complained because you seemed okay with it!  OF COURSE I feel the same– the world needs to hear more of your voice, and we would love to see you act in KDramas someday but I’m sure you know that you still need to improve your Korean and you just have to wait and be patient.  After all, Pledis compensates your lack of lines by giving you some of the best exposures in award shows recently.  My heart almost dropped when I saw you play the piano on stage and I’m really happy the company continues to support your talent on the next shows as well.

It’s also your birthday, but you graced us with this giftI couldn’t really thank you enough for singing this song (and making me cry for the nth time).  God knows how much I wanted to see you sing this live.

Despite having lots of talents, thank you for being a wonderful member of my favorite group! I always stan the weirdest ones coughs Sungjae coughs but for me, they also have the biggest hearts.  I’ve seen you on reality shows and interviews countless times and I know how much you adore all the members so I pray you have someone who takes care of you that much, too.

I’ve  always wondered who among the guys are closest to you (except for Minghao, ofc) but I’m happy you’re being a bit more open these days.  The members always say that you’re always happy and smiling, and just a positive person 100% of the time.  To be honest, that worries me more because none of us is that happy  all the time.  I just want someone who listens to your concerns and that’s enough for me.  Almost all Seventeen members are emotional and they don’t mind crying even in public but I’ve never seen you cry, not even once.  Just the thought of you crying alone breaks my heart 🙁

I’m not in a good place right now, so much has been happening in real life (and mostly in my head) that sometimes I just want to quit everything.  But seeing you all work so hard makes me feel ashamed of myself.  That’s why I’m sure that without you, I would have given up so many things.

People say that being a fangirl is useless, that we are just wasting our time on people who don’t even know we exist but they’re wrong.  They just have no idea how much watching our idols help us cope when every living day seems like hell for us.

Not to sound exaggerated, but fangirling gives me hope.  It makes me look forward to the next days even when life has been shi*ty. That’s why when it comes to my fangirling, I’ve always been defensive because people who judge us don’t know what we are going through.

There were times when I wanted to quit the fandom as well.  Sometimes it is toxic and too noisy for me, but I know I found my weakness.  You and Seventeen never fail to make me feel better.

You know how people always say that you’re greasy, that you’re a flirt, and you’re overconfident? It’s sad that people don’t realize how this is all an act.  That you’re too scared and doubtful of your own abilities and that you do all these so you can be more confident? Whenever I read that you’re self-centered, I feel like punching someone’s face.  You didn’t leave your hometown to be insulted like this.

I hope that right now, you feel more confident, that you believe more in yourself because you deserve it.  Whenever you talk about your feelings seriously, it still surprises me but I’m glad that you’re finally showing that side of you.

I’m sorry if this letter is all over the place 🙁 It’s like all of my emotions for the past nine months (it’s been that long already?!) suddenly came out all of a sudden.

Anyway, I love you for being so positive and bright but I really hope you don’t hide your true feelings anymore.  The members said you never changed but I hope you’d get to be more open and not hide your struggles.  I know you’re doing this to be considerate of the other members so they don’t worry about you but I’m pretty sure that I, your fans, and even Seventeen can see right through you.  I hope that we can do everything that we can to reach out to you first.  You’re not the type to approach anyone if there’s anything troubling you but I want to assure you that we all want to be there for you!

So for your birthday, I hope you got to eat and rest well! I’ve seen your Birthday VLive and you mentioned that you are so happy and thankful.  Aaah, I live for your smile 🙂 I’m happy as long as you are.

This got too long, I’m sorry!

Two weeks late too but better late than never 🙂 I find it harder to express my feelings when I’m too happy or overwhelmed versus when I’m mad or sad.  Haha! But still, this got way too emotional, I didn’t expect that at all.  Hahaha.

Happiest birthday to you, Wen Junhui, who shines like the moon.  You have always been a source of happiness so I pray that your happiness multiplies a hundred-fold 🙂 Thank you for being the sweetest, most beautiful person inside and out.

It’s embarrassing how many times I’ve mentioned how much I love you in this post but I really meant every word.  Nothing makes me happier than Seventeen these days, to be honest.  It’s your birthday and we are supposed to give you gifts but you always seem to be the gift that keeps on giving.  You’ve poured out so much of you and I can never thank you enough.  Happy happy birthday, Jun. I love you so much.

Can’t wait to see you again in three months ❤︎

All the love,

It’s a bit late but I made something for you, too.  Real life happened and I couldn’t find the time to do this, but here! I’m sorry but it just had to be a Taylor Swift song because I’m feeling soft and cheesy 😀

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